The Pains of Being Pure at Heart

I don't know if you felt that or not, but it felt like two people kissing after hours of thinking about it. It felt like two people talking after nights of silence. It felt like two people touching after weeks of being numb. It felt like two people facing each other after months of looking away. It felt like two people in love after years of being alone. And it felt like two people meeting each other, after an entire lifetime of not meeting each other - but it wasn't. 


Source (minus the "-but it wasn't" part. I did that.): pleasefindthis.blogspot.com/

You cannot kill me here. Bring your soldiers, your death, your disease, and your collapsed economy, because it doesn’t matter. I have nothing left to lose, and you cannot kill me here. Bring the tears of orphans, and the wails of a mother’s loss. Bring your goddamn air force and Jesus on a cross. Bring your hate, and bitterness, and long working hours. Bring your empty wallets and love long since gone, but you cannot kill me here. Bring your sneers, your snide remarks, and friendships never felt, your letters never sent, your kisses never kissed, cigarettes smoked to the bone, and cancer killing fears, but you cannot kill me here. For I may fall, and I may fail, but I will stand again each time, and you will find no satisfaction. Because you cannot kill me here.

I wrote this for you

1. Hugh Laurie: The reasons are pretty obvious: House is the best show ever; Hugh Laurie is a badass; he has an awesome accent...You can figure the rest out.


2. Seth Rogen: Hot, funny, hot. Yes, please.


3. Jenny Lewis & Elvis Costello: The 2 most awesome people in music (more or less). Everyone who knows me, knows I have a HUGE thing for anything and everything Jenny Lewis related. What I want to know, is when are they going to do a sequel to The Wizard? I want them to bust out the old school Nintendo Power Gloves and battle to the death on Super Mario World. (btw, Elvis & Jenny count as one)


4. Robert Englund, aka, Freddy Krueger: Another badass. This guy manages to play one of the most menacing and evil horror movie villains ever, but is a totally nice guy in real life. Plus, he was in a movie called Zombie Strippers, haha. I also didn't realize he directed 976-EVIL (1988). I've been scared of this guy since I was a child.


5. The Kills: Duh, like I wouldn't put them. Alison (VV) is one of the biggest badasses I can think of. Period. Alison is a modern day Patti Smith. She performs like she's on fire. Jamie (Hotel) is just so adorable, even if he is dating Kate Moss (ew), and he's a freaking sick guitar player. The Kills have the best chemistry of any band I've ever seen. When they perform, they stare directly at each other so intensely, like what the songs are talking about is happening right now. It's so cute when one of them just randomly laughs in the middle of a song after being so intense. These two have the most amazing guitars. In The Dead Weather, Alison plays a Gretsch Guitars G5810 Bo Diddley Signature Electric Guitar...a white cigar box guitar. It's so sick that I want one, and I can't even play. In The Kills, they play 1960's Hofners. I mean, what an amazing guitar collection. Anyway, I have everything by The Kills: full albums, eps, b-sides...anything I can get my hands on. Rilo Kiley was my favorite band ever, but The Kills trumped them (it's okay, though, because Jenny Lewis is still on this list). They count as one, as well, lol. I'll shut up about them now. Sorry.


EDIT: I found a photo of Alison's Gretsch Guitars G5810 Bo Diddley Signature Electric Guitar, special edition cigar box in white. Come on, you cannot tell me that is not an amazingly sweet guitar, even if you know nothing about guitars.

Of one thing I am certain: the truth is still absolute.
It may, in fact, be the only sure thing left,
Even when that truth is harsh, unforgiving, and painful to imagine,
And even when truth is more hurtful than any lie.

You know I hate to ask, but are friends electric?
Only mine's broke down, and now I've no one to love.

So I found out your reasons for the phone calls and smiles.
And it hurts, and I'm lonely, and I should never have tried.
And I missed you tonight, so it's time to leave.
You see, it meant everything to me .

Seriously, how could I have gone so long not knowing that I absolutely love The Kills. I never bothered to give them a listen because I just assumed I wouldn't like them. Then, I saw their video for "Black Balloon" on a Direct TV channel, and I was blown away. I downloaded Midnight Boom (2008) 5 minutes later, and I haven't been able to stop listening to it since. I was listening to the Yeah Yeah Yeah's new album It's Blitz!, which is also insanely good, but pales in comparison to The Kills album (in my humble opinion). Oddly enough, the first thing I thought when I saw the two members of The Kills, Alison Mosshart (aka "VV") and Jamie Hince (aka "Hotel'), was, "He looks like Iggy Pop, and she looks like a crackhead...well, not a crackhead, a cokehead, because she can probably afford better than crack..."
Anyway, first impressions aside, most of their videos consist of footage of them on tour, looking completely strung out and fucked up, which immediately garnered my full attention. Alison, in my opinion, is pretty hot in that really skinny, black haired, drugged up kind of way, which I tend to find attractive every once in a while. I don't know, I think she's pretty hot. Anyway, this is one kickass duo, and I just downloaded their previous album No Wow (2005), which I'm stoked to listen to soon when I stop being so obsessed with Midnight Boom. Next is their album, Keep On Your Mean Side from 2003, and from what I've heard their first 2 albums are quite different from their newest, so that should be interesting.

The tracks that have REALLY stood out to me are:
"U.R.A. Fever"
"Cheap and Cheerful"
"Tape Song"
"Getting Down" (My favorite)
"Last Day of Magic" (2nd favorite)
and "Black Balloon" (which interestingly has a lot of blood in it for a music video, thus increasing the innate badass value)
All of which have music videos (except "Getting Down", which bums me out).

So, I have 2 words to describe The Kills:
FUCKING SICK!

Listen to them ASAP.
















'nuff said.

 As fucked up as this is, thanks for treating me like shit.
You made me realize what I am capable of and what I deserve.
I finally love myself for me.

So, it's storming like crazy outside, and my electricity keeps going on and off. Fun.

My Ambien fell out of my purse at school, and the bottle turned up today...empty. Someone stole 20 pills from me. I went to the pharmacy to explain what happened, because I've been withdrawing from them uncomfortably, and of course, it is too early to get a refill. I bought some liquid Melatonin, and just took it. It was extremely similar to taking a shot of whiskey. It even burned on the way down and in my stomach. Now I'm just waiting for it to kick in.

Not having Ambien really sucks.

Found yourself a serpent this time,
Flames are spitting sure from his tongue and his eyes,
Lusting for the fruits we have tried,
Pluck yourself an eyelash and pray that your bones will rise.

Speaking in tongues, you've got gin in your belly.
Yes, something was wrong from the start.
With eyes wide and dark, you have something to tell me.
I carry your bones in my heart.

Riding on horseback, he came.
Darkness in his fingertips, eyes just the same.
Told me there was no one to blame.
I was all the while clenching the omen you gave to me.

Rise with the sun and the skies are wide amber,
I dreamt of your calling again.
You told me to run from temptations of grandeur,
That come with the visions of him.

Deep in my sleep, bones I was holding,
Swallowed by hunger to see you again.
Running through fields, sweet seas of golden,
There it was you in the house near the grain.

Dark the night, high the noontime,
Bitter and begging, my dear don't you go.
Your eyes were all wild, your lips took to woo mine.
You grabbed me and tugged at my soul through your own.

I knew it was then we'd go down to the river.
You'd cleanse what was left of me under the tide.
The sun turned to ash, and your body was withered.
Your bones I let go, and the dream did subside.

Answer in lyrics, please:

Are you male or female?
"I'm an animal. You're an animal, too." (I'm An Animal" - Neko Case)

1 week.
No pills.
Thank you very much.

Sometimes I wonder if anything is certain or concrete anymore. 
Is there still right and wrong? 
Good and bad? Truth and lies? 
Is everything still either black and white? 
Or is everything somewhere in the middle, in gray?
Is everything negotiable, flexible, left to our interpretation? 
Sometimes we’re forced to bend the truth, transform it, 
Because we’re faced with things that we did not choose to happen. 
And sometimes they simply catch up to us. 
And it makes me wonder if this is right,
If anything is ethical in our day,
If what we feel is right really is, 
And if we are forced to do what we think is wrong, 
Should we do it anyway or reap the consequences
That come with the refusal to go along with the way life pushes us? 
But of one thing I am certain: the truth is still absolute. 
It may, in fact, be the only sure thing left,
Even when that truth is harsh, unforgiving, and painful to imagine, 
And even when truth is more hurtful than any lie.

 

Love grows in me like a tumor,
Parasite bent on devouring its host.
I'm developing my sense of humor,
Until I can laugh at my heart between your teeth,
Until I can laugh at my face beneath your feet.

Skillet on the stove, it's such a temptation,
Maybe I'll be the lucky one that doesn't get burned.
What the fuck was I thinking?

Love plows through me like a dozer.
I've got more give than a bale of hay,
And there's always a big mess left over,
With the, "What did you do?"
And the, "What did you say?"

Skillet on the stove, it's such a temptation.
Maybe I'll be the special one that doesn't get burned.
What the fuck was I thinking?

Love tears me up like a demon,
Opens the wounds and fills them with lead,
And I'm having some trouble just breathing.
If we werent such good friends, I think that I'd hate you.
If we weren't such good friends, I'd wish you were dead

Oh, it's so embarrasing.
I'm this awkward and uncomfortable thing,
And I'm running out of places to hide it.
What the fuck was I thinking?
(You know that I've got what you want.)

My car's alternator died today just as I was getting on the Interstate, so it's dead. Dead as fuck. 

I think I shall drink tonight.

On my calf. Yes.

I wish it were possible to appropriately express how much my anxiety has actually improved over the last 3 years. It's really quite astounding compared to where I was this time 3 years ago. I do have a reference, though, because Ryan can atest, under oath, that I am an entirely different person than I used to be...in a good way. 

Others have such a diffcult time comprehending where I'm coming from a large amount of the time, and I understand why. It's hard to understand something you haven't experienced. There's a lot of misunderstandings and a lack of comprehension (and sometimes a lack of respect) for people who suffer from anxiety and/or mood disorders. People say individuals affected with these disorders are weak or too sensitive, and they often ask things like, "Why don't they just shake it off and move on?"

It's just not that easy. It takes time, hard work, and sometimes medication to make progress. It's not something I choose to suffer from, and it is definitely not something I enjoy. In fact, I despise it. I hate it more than anything. I want to be carefree and jolly and not have a care in the world. I am getting there, and one day, I will be there, because it's what I truly want, and it's the healthiest way to live.

The way I used to be was not healthy. I had so many anxiety-related somatic symptoms that it was insane: vomiting, nausea, Irritable Bowel Syndrome, headache, sweating, tremors, hot flashes, insomnia, nightmares. When I was in highschool, I would throw up every morning before school because my anxiety was so terrible. In undergrad, I would spend hours crying and shaking from being so worried that I could probably have given myself a heart attack.

Then I started seeing a therapist at my University's student counseling center, and it changed my life forever.

I know, I know, I hear people talking crap about therapists all the time (you people better watch out, because I'm going to be one, haha), but my first therapist was THE most amazing woman I have ever met. She was unconditionally accepting, empathic, open, honest, and blunt when necessary...everything I strive to be as a therpist. I saw her for about a year until she moved to private practice in Carmel, and I couldn't afford to see her anymore. She helped me change my thinking processes and my perceptions for the better. I could look at situations that used to provoke anxiety and think about them in a more rational manner. When my boyfriend at the time didn't answer the phone, I no longer jumped to the conclusion that he hated me. I could think, "There are many things he could be doing right now, and he can't answer the phone." No one even understands was a HUGE improvement that was for me. 

I've been seeing a therapist at my University all through grad school, too. She is wonderful, and I really enjoy going to see her. 

I guess the point of the entry is to help people understand a bit better, especially regarding how much I have improved over the years.
Anxiety was a defense mechanism for me. I had been let down so many times that I finally decided it was easier to worry about everything, and then when it went wrong, I was already prepared. It was expect the worst, and try not to hope for the best, because hoping for the best would only bring pain when it didn't work out. I always described my anxieties as a conveyor belt of worries. There was always one main worry in the forefront of everything, maybe a relationship or school problem, and then once that worry was over and taken care of, the next worry made its way up the conveyor belt into the forefront. I always had this sense of impending doom, like something terrible was waiting to happen around every corner. There was never a moment when there were no worries. I worried like it was my job and it was going out of style.

I am so grateful that I am able to function as well as I do now. Sure, I still worry about some things, but I have also been able to deal with extremely strefful situation and overcome them perfectly and with confidence. I've always felt so powerless about my anxiety. Now I am able to take control of my thoughts, and I am really proud of myself.

Just for the record (and ediucative purposes):

"It’s only realistic to be worried about your finances after losing a job or your health if you start having chest pains. And it’s natural to be anxious about a sister who lives in a tough neighborhood or reports of a local flu epidemic or impending SATs. But generalized anxiety disorder isn’t about realistic or natural worries. GAD is about chronic, excessive worry concerning events that are unlikely to occur; it’s minor problems or concerns that wrap around your mind like kudzu and won’t let go. The mind of a person with generalized anxiety disorder is like a car motor stuck on too high an idle: the person’s thoughts keep running and running, with worrisome thoughts being repeated endlessly."